I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
