my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
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So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
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Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!