he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
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We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
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So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away