Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
