Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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