He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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