You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
