so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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