They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
