i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just leave with hair like that
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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