Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
