Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
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You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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