im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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