wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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