Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
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