Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
