So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
