i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Randomize
