I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
