im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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