yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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