i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
