Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
