That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
