We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
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I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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