Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Boobs speak an international language.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
