I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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