She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
