remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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