She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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