I seem to have left my pride at pride
you mean i was at the winter classic?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
