You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
