My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
