now i know why i became what i already was.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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