I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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