John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something