I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
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I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
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I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.