I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
