i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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