So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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