we have pet lesbian snakes
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I love having hate sex.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
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That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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