Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
