When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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