I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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