your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
