my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
