giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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