New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
