Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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