i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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