I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
