This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
