Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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