Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
