I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
