The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
