tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
