Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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