But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
