gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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