Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
