Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
