I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she looked like the before picture.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
