"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
