This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
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We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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