so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
